


The times I wished you knew

by syusuke



Category: Original Work
Genre: Coming Out, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family Issues, Female Homosexuality, Friends are the family you choose, Gen, Growing Up, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internal Conflict, Introspection, Religion, Religious Conflict, Trust Issues, coming to terms, introspective, not coming out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 02:46:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18769615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syusuke/pseuds/syusuke
Summary: An emotional, yet somewhat distanced look at growing up, surrounded by homophobia - feeling lost after admitting to myself that I am a lesbian and knowing with absolute certainty - That I can't hope to be accepted as who I am.





	1. Time to be honest

Sometimes I still think you couldn’t accept me   
not the part of me that is playfully snarky  
full of witty comebacks and inside jokes  
Not the part of me that is forever hopeful  
always looking for the next challenge unwilling to take a break

I keep pushing myself  
passing obstacle after obstacle  
out of spite maybe  
or just because I can  
Truly though  
I want to prove myself  
reach some kind of self-worth that even my twisted mind can’t deny

Objectively a good person  
a trusted employee  
a hard-working member of society

If I fit those criteria  
will it get easier?  
Can I tell you then?  
Although I expect a negative reaction?

Because my gut still warns me not to  
it still feels that this might be the conflict  
those might be the views where we are half a universe apart  
a divide too great to ignore  
a compromise impossible to find  
I’m sorry   
I’m a coward  
I couldn’t bear to loose your support  
It would hurt too much  
That would be a wound too deep  
One I could never heal.


	2. When mom's boyfriend is over...

It’s a slow saturday morning  
the conversation on hold  
Then he suddenly starts ranting   
about drunks and addicts and.. gays

He says it like a curse, like a secret to be kept  
He calls LGBTs pretenders and attention-seekers  
he calls it unnatural and a fashion trend and sick

You sit there and nod along  
While I think wrong wrong WRONG  
You sit there and listen  
not caring at all  
While I have to grip tight  
Keep my temper in check

Calm  
breathe  
just don’t  
not worth it

Oh, but I can’t!  
I carefully choose my words   
My arguments are good  
withstood the test of many  
He is backing down, losing the traction  
I am winning, isn’t that right?

But I know he doesn’t care  
won’t remember one thing I said  
His opinion is built  
been this way for decades  
not open to change

Then you look at me in that scolding way  
you think I’m playing devil’s advocat  
when I’m really not

I care

I want you to understand  
Did you never think about it?  
That maybe I was one of them?  
Maybe it wasn’t just things I heard  
but things I lived?


	3. It's not the whole family

Auntie is here  
Topics change quickly  
Somehow she gets to my cousine  
how she suspected she could be a lesbian

She is open and loving  
says she’d accept her any way  
that it wouldn’t matter to her  
more than anything she’d want to know  
simply so there would be no secrets between them  
She smiles at me and I smile back

But you look shocked  
You say you would have to accept it  
but it won’t be necessary... right?

I smile and roll my eyes  
You see what you want to see  
I’m more scared than ever


	4. Brother, you'd hate me too?

My brother comes for lunch   
He’s tired from work, dirty and cold  
We eat in silence  
the atmosphere starts shifting  
the comfortable silence becomes heavy with thoughts

What is it?  
He just shakes his head

What is on your mind? I can see you thinking.  
Just heard something about your team

I look at him – waiting for more  
Word is, you have a lot of lesbians on the team  
I laugh heartily and uncontrolled

You just stare  
This was news to you

I tell him it was half the team when I started  
now just a couple or two  
I don’t let him ask just tell him outright  
No I don’t care, I like them  
It doesn’t affect the team

Maybe you wanted to ask?  
You were thinking too hard  
I’m still scared.


	5. You honestly believe that? Mom, please..

We’re having brunch  
Talking about what’s new  
You meddled with alternative medicine again  
another course to add to the list  
I feign interest, asking a bit

It’s harmless (and useless)  
as far as I can tell  
but then there it is  
the knife in my back  
the stab I couldn’t see coming

You talk about a classmate  
She asked for advice  
claiming her son was ill and needed a cure  
You are enthusiastic about it  
praising your teacher for the solution  
a simple drug against the terrible disease

The son was gay

I choke on my food  
Spitting it out

I can’t keep it in  
not this, not now  
I tell you it’s nature  
not nurture or disease

For the first time  
I’m not backing down  
I stand my ground  
You dismiss me  
changing the topic  
you don’t care about my opinion

Newsflash:  
You should

You just lost my trust  
You’ll be the last to know  
By now I am certain  
of how you’d react

Mom, I love women  
I don’t care for men  
I don’t want children  
If you can not accept that  
I don’t want you in my life.

I made up my mind   
But still, I’ll wait  
I’ll hope  
Until it hurts too much  
Until you hit a point too sore.

As much as I resent your views on this  
this topic this part of me  
it is so much more than attraction and lust

it is love  
it is who I am  
I refuse to apologize for being this way  
There is nothing wrong with it

I hate how you act  
But how could I not love my mom?

So I hide for longer  
swallow the anger simmering below

I love you  
I want you in my life

I wish you knew  
Then you would see  
if you ever make me choose  
between my nature and your view  
I choose me


	6. Forgive and Forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is more general. It is about how expectations and realities can differ and how hard it can be to get your parents to accept that you are an adult now and should be treated as one.  
> Maybe this is just me, maybe this is every millenial leaving home.   
> I needed it out.

Weekend, time for visits  
Saturday at Mom’s  
Sunday at Dad’s  
It’s an expected thing  
They want me to come by more  
Maybe once a month?  
It’s two hours one way  
So that is a lot to ask

I’ve invited them over to mine  
numerous times  
They always turn me down  
the way’s too much of a bother  
There’s a traiterous thought  
simmering inside  
sometimes dim and then shining bright

Do I have to?  
Am I required to comply?  
A duty to fulfill?  
Or only a bother to me?  
You see, the visits are short  
Always play out the same  
At my dad’s we have coffee  
with cookies, some sweets  
we tick off the ‘how are you’s  
goes reasonably well

Then with little prompting  
or none at all  
my dad goes off ranting  
the list of complaints remains the same  
visit by visit  
year by year

Too much work  
another useless co-worker  
a CEO who ignores his good advice  
the stress always has his price  
The shoulder, the back  
the knees, the legs  
Injuries old or new, always an ache  
never a break

Don’t get me wrong  
He works too much  
He has old injuries that act up  
I believe his pain

What gets me though  
Gets my blood to boil  
the urge to leave immediately needs be pushed down

He complains about the same things  
Every time  
I listen and nod  
When I want to tell him about my life  
Even something like my new job  
I’ve never told him before  
He cuts me off  
He can talk  
He doesn’t listen.

He wants me to visit   
Nod when he complains  
He turns to accuse me  
says I hardly write back or visit or care  
I hold back, I shrug  
But really I’m thinking:  
Don’t your dare.

I don’t want to fight  
Never cause pain  
But some time I might  
not want to play this game.

 

At mom’s it is different  
She listens, she does  
She wants the details  
But I’m often at a loss.

Even if I tell her the problem  
My side, my views, the conflict  
She’s never on my team  
Tells me to give in and comply.

Why, Mom, why?

It was not my fault  
Not a mistake or a trivial thing  
They were mean, too hard, unfair.  
I didn’t take it  
Rose up and took a stand  
But you always deny it  
my right to defend.

So I stop talking  
Don’t want to reveal  
Never show a ‘weakness’  
to which you can appeal.  
I’ve been the punching bag  
The intern at the short end  
The odd one out  
Mom, you know how that turned out.

So, no, I refuse  
I’m not easy to appease  
I have my opinions, my principles  
Let me be, leave me in this peace.

I don’t like talking with either of you  
About my life, about what I do

If I ever need advice I have my friends  
Because respect is where that starts, and family ends.


End file.
